Wait Is That A?

Wait, is that a can of evaporated milk?

2007-05-02T06:22:00.000-07:00

Twice the protein and calcium per cup than regular milk and it's Carnation! One of my kitchen favorites. It goes on almost anything that needs to be creamy. I like adding it to omelets and pancakes. If the recipe requires milk, just add equal amounts of evaporated milk and water. On it's own it can be a bit heavy and sticky if you get it on your fingers. You know how it is, you're baking and you get things on your hands and you lick. Oh dear, got to go, something in the oven needs my attention.

Wait, is that a stargarzer?

2007-04-21T20:29:00.000-07:00

It does seem to be gazing towards the sky but the color is off, not enough blush. Stargazers belong to the lily family, I love that name Lily, reminds me of Lilimae Clements played by Julie Harris in Knots Landing. Stargazers as a hybrid were created a year ealier than the series though, the flower in 1978 while the series started in 1979! Do you remember Alec Baldwin as Joshua, son of Lilimae, brother of Valene? Wait were they siblings? I'm not sure but they were both a little off in the head so maybe they were. Anyway, Alec was so adorable. Half of the the lily family have three petals and three sepals so they look like they have six petals. The other half are like trumpets, very much like these ones. You almost want to take one and give it blow. I know it's not ladylike, but blowing a horn once in while can be so liberating.

Oh! Maybe the ones below are stargazers, even if they don't point up they do have that nice blush. Legend has it that lilies came from Juno's milk, she was breastfeeding and some milk fell from the sky. I don't want to think about it really. One more thing, sometimes I do eat the bulbs, they are edible.

Wait, is that a meander?

2006-09-04T08:18:00.000-07:00

I love a classic! Look at those lines, I mean they're squiggly and meandering but you can't go wrong with them. I'll have them as borders, as strips and even as curtain hems. I've said it a thousand times and I'll say it again, I love the Greeks. You must at least once in your life, get a Greek Holiday. Taste the food, get a taste of the locals' lifestyle and hospitality - and visit all those fabulous ruins. However, no matter how your inner Linda Koopersmith nags your sense of order do not rearrange the blocks! Anyway, those lines are called meander or fret. I get the meander but I don't get the fret. I mean in the presence of this beauty, the last thing I'll do is fret!

Wait, is that a bee?

2006-09-04T07:49:00.000-07:00

Those little things can be so charming! The bee is the favorite symbol of "Le Petit Caporal" who himself was a small man. Napoleon had bees in his coat of arms and I have his bees in my Alain Saint-Joanis flatware. My husband thought the set was a bit steep but I had to have it because I was doing this important dinner last spring. The china had butterflies and the crystals were etched with vines. It was a lovely dinner. Now about this Napoleon thing, I really didn't know enough about this man until I saw his tomb in Les Invalides. I thought what a big tomb for such a small man, and it was a very red tomb. So one thing led to another and I got to read some stuff about him, you know, small things becoming big things as my mother always goes on and on about. And there was the bee on his coat of arms. And my friend said it was the symbol or immortality and some social thing but all I can really say about bees is that they are good for the flowers and their honey is good for tea. I'm not a historian so the only I can say about Napoleon is that he had nice furniture and should have been a real estate agent.

Wait, is that a 14 gauge?

2006-08-24T08:27:00.000-07:00

I am upset when I can't remember things. I will have to call those nice gentlemen who fixed our garage doors and ask. I have to admit, I was a bit of a difficult client at the start. I insisted on brass hinges to match all the metals in the house. Except for the silver of course, they are, well - silver. When they explained to me that galvanized steel is commonly used in garage doors, and after they complimented me on how nicely trimmed my bushes are along the driveway, I had to let them install those things. Do I remember correctly, 7 and 3/4 inches when the leaves are extended? I really have to call them. Afterall, they were so nice to go around the house telling me all about hinges. The double action hinges of my screens that move forward and backwards. The card table hinges of my countertops which can carry a lot of weight. I mean a lot of weight. And the knife hinges of my cabinets. Once you stick those hinges in, you won't see them except for the little balls that stick out on both ends. They were nice gentlemen indeed.

Wait, is that a swing slamp?

2006-08-18T20:31:00.000-07:00

Hmmmmmmm. I can't see the horizontal member and the way it just hangs there, this is a sconce. A swing lamp can be attached to walls or can stand from a table or from the floor. What makes it distinct is a horizontal arm perpendicular to the main stem. Say, you're reading a book and you need more light, you grab the shade and swing it towards you. Swing it away from you, towards you, away from you, towards you, away from you, towards you. That's what makes swing lamps versatile and fun.

Wait, is that a persian pickle?

2006-08-18T02:54:00.000-07:00

I wonder how persian pickles taste like? And how do you eat them? Do you nibble them whole or do you chop them into bits and layer them over mustard in a sandwich? Wait! I'm not even sure if there's such a thing as persian pickles. Oh dear, where was I? Persian pickle is the term for the paisley pattern among quilting circles. It looks like a teardrop. Does that make persian pickles, if they do exist, salty? Or do they taste like sweet sunshine since a paisley looks like a mango too? I know a paisley is an Indian pattern so maybe persian pickles taste like masala. Wait! Paisley is named after a place in Scotland so does that make persian pickles taste like black bun? This is making me hungry. I had a cashmere scarf with paisley prints and cashmere comes from mountain goats. I hope persian pickles do not taste like jamaican goat curry. This is definitely making my mouth water.

Wait, is that craqueleur?

2006-08-17T22:21:00.000-07:00

It's like when you're sixteen so you fake your age so you can get into a bar. That's craquleur except you do it on furniture. You know faking lines and cracks and age and provenance. These fine lines and cracks on paint surfaces mean age in paintings or you're watching too much Carol Duvall. It's a favorite among crafters. After some time, the top paint shrinks and "crackles" revealing the base coat. I admit it looks charming on walls and furniture specially if you're in Montauk. You can do this easily in three steps; paint your wood with a basecoat, apply a crackle medium and let dry for 30 minutes or so, then follow with a paint color that contrasts with the basecoat. As i said, it looks charming on country furniture but personally craqueleur is distressing. I almost want to dab some moisturiser on that thing. I like it smooth.

Wait, is that bird's eye?

2006-08-03T09:52:00.000-07:00

Nice wood. And on such a handsome chest of drawers! How divine! How Renaissance! The technique of using wood veneers go as far back as the ancient Egyptians, we know because those pharoahs brought furniture and stuff with them in their tombs. Even that poor young King Tut brought a lot. Mr Carter must have felt like walking into ABC Carpet and Home when he walked into that tomb. Where was I? Oh yes, and then veneers made it really big in the Renaissance. Bird's eye maple is one of my most favorite wood for veneers, it just makes everything look so precious and delicious. Bird's eye has swirly patterns like when you pour cream in your tea. In fact the color reminds of tea with a spot of milk, I mean a really big spot of milk. And it has those puckered little shapes sorrounding dark little "eyes." This must not be confused with burl, where the strong figuring comes from knots and baby buds. You can lay veneer on a whole piece or cut them like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle and when you put them together you get marquetry. This is getting me all worked up and thinking wood wood wood and buff buff buff!

Wait, is that a bunch of leeks?

2006-07-31T09:11:00.000-07:00

Oh how delicious the Cock-a-leekie! It's warm and creamy and made so easy. The Egyptians and the Scots and the Romans (who spread the leek in the continent) prize this member of the onion and garlic family. One of the first soups I learned to cook is the Cock-a-leekie or Cream of Potato and Leek Soup. It's so easy. I have three recipes depending on how much time I have or how lazy I am. I will not get into the moderate and difficult recipes. One of them involves two french things like a roux to thicken the soup and croutons to garnish. Some say cream would thicken it, some say half-and-half would do it, some say a blender and a strainer would do it. While some say you need an immersion blender, but that thing always gets my heatrate going like crazy. My therapist has a few hypotheses. Here's the easiest recipe (not the hypothesis). In a heavy pot, throw cut-and-diced potatoes (so you don't have to mash them later) with chopped leeks (white parts only washed like crazy, there's dirt in between those leaves) into some butter, saute, add chicken stock, boil, simmer for an hour, season and add milk. Garnish with parsley. In one bowl you get some cock, a leek, and something creamy. Perfect!

Wait, is that a sea sponge?

2006-07-30T07:42:00.000-07:00

Bath time! Rubber ducky you're the one, you make bathtime lots of fun, rubber ducky, I'm awafully fond of you! Dear me, I'm losing it. Where was I? Ok back to the sea sponge. How can the skeleton of some dead marine animals be as soft as lamb's wool? I have an idea but I don't want to get into that, it's just too morbid. Maceration is for fruits not for poor little creatures. I've been using sea sponge for the bath and for making pretty daubbing effects on my kitchen wall until I've been to the Great Barrier Reef and saw all those lovely corals and sponges and things that take longer to grow than Cher's hair! I've switched to luffa. Luffa or chinese okra is a cousin of the melon. In the Philippines they are called patola, harvested before they are mature, the patola goes into a soup called miswa. It's a strange dish with patola and noodles and strips of scrambled eggs. Patola is a bit slippery in the mouth. Oh and another thing I found out in the Philippines, they use river stones to exfoliate! The practice is not as popular but still can you imagine the pain? Every day when I make way to the tubby, I find a little fella who's cute and yellow and chubby! I don't want to imagine, the pain.

Wait, is that chintz?

2006-07-28T07:59:00.000-07:00

You must forgive me, this is giving me a headache. It's not just the pattern but this whole chintz thing. I am so sure I've outgrown chintz in the 80's but Mario Buatta who is the Prince of Chintz is still around so you can bet on a comeback. Like maybe A Flock of Seagulls making a comeback. And Mr. Buatta just recently designed something for Mariah Carey who also needs a comeback! I told you this is a headache. Chintz is probably a hindustani word. Hindustan which is kind of an old area north of the Ganges and going all the way up to the Himalayas. Chintz was a painted calico and chintz could also could mean shiny or variegated which is actually unbleached cotton but less course than denim, denim which is from france. I think. Where was I? Calico is from india which the British tried to ban but failed to do so and almost ruined their fabric industry. And going back to chintz, now in Britain but printed with loose patterns of birds and pictoral motifs. It's really colorful but the other chintz is the toile, which came from Jouy, France. I'm back in the continent! But toile is mostly one color on a light background? Oh dear this is not going anywhere but chintz seems to have been everywhere! Chintz patterns can also be on plates and creamers and tea sets, which is very English country. English country which Mario Buatta made very famous back in the 80's. English made famous by someone from Staten Island. Based on something from India by way of Britain. I need a drink and maybe my passport.

Wait, is that a phalaenopsis?

2006-07-26T10:09:00.000-07:00

Ah! The phalaenopsis amabilis, worthy to be loved. Pale as the moon, sometimes with a dusting of yellow and pink. Surprising as a moth in flight. Indulge me if I babble but phalaenopsis are one of the most elegant exotic gestures in nature. Fleshy leaves, stiff shoots, long lasting blooms and Elle Decor approved. OK, maybe interior designers overuse them when instant yet studied flair is required in interior decorating. But I can't blame these designers because phalaes are so easy to maintain indoors. My mantra is treat them like baby bottoms: need some sun but too much can scorch, wet roots and they rot, too dry and they die. I fell in love with them when I was in the Philippines (where most of them come from). But they are cultivated almost everywhere now and if you snip the buds after they fade you may be rewarded with more blooms. Even their name is so beautiful, from the Greek for moth, phalaina. Phailana. Phailana. Rhymes with something on the tip of my tongue.

Wait, is that a brown belt?

2006-07-24T18:35:00.000-07:00

On a black suit? A chalk stripe suit? Sartorial audacity or suicide? I am not an authority on men's fashion and I like matching my belt with my shoes and my bag and I coordinate everything else with everything else. And I don't know about you men but there must be a rule, maybe you can ask the gentleman who makes your suits. Wait, if you have bespoke suits then maybe you don't have to ask this question. Or you can invest on some stamps and write to that Mr. Glenn O'Brien from Gentlemen's Quarterly. I'm sure he will be glad to help. Wait! Is that tie's tip a few inches below the belt? Oh dear, maybe you can ask Mr. Carson Kressley I'm sure he would know how many inches should fall below the belt ot if it should fall below the belt at all.

Wait, is that a broken pediment?

2006-07-23T17:44:00.000-07:00

Classic! Or should I say neoclassical or colonial revival or georgian revival? That's more revivals than Tom Jone's career. Here the pediment is used as a headboard. It reminds me of the pediment on Capt. Judson's door except that one is white while this one is a rich brown yummy chocolate color. I'd take a can of Pledge to that and rub it till it's so shiny and smooth, it would be ganache! The discontinuity of lines do not diminish the fluidity of the scrolls, in fact broken in the middle you get two elegant curvy swans! Don't you just love swans? A pediment is a triangular or half round thing on top of the horizontal member sitting on top of columns. It's from classical Greek architecture, and they sure knew how to top things beautifully. Originally pediments were used on top of openings for funerary or sacred places. Wait! That's morbid, topping dead and holy places.

Wait, is that a ghost chair?

2006-07-23T04:43:00.000-07:00

No need to bring out your crosses. And no, chairs have no soul. Well, I'm not really sure about that. Oh dear, I'm getting confused again. Notice the transparent balloon back and arm rests? That's the Louis Ghost Chair by Phillipe Starck. Pretty pricey at around $300 but they're beautiful. They are made of polycarbonate ( not PMMA or acrylic) which makes them very strong except when you spill your nail polish remover on them, then they turn cloudy. Few years back there was this other chair that Phillipe Starck made for the Maison Bacarrat. I mean it was really really big and all, made of mirrors and crystal. Well, he made a ton of really cool stuff like my war of the worlds orange juicer. I wonder if his hair would be soft or wiry when you touch it?

Wait, is that a bullion fringe?

2006-07-20T06:54:00.000-07:00

Is that a 5 incher? The bullion of my curtains are ten inches long, but I guess for throw pillows and bolsters ( i call them sausage pillows) a five inch bullion fringe will do. Bullion, not gold and silver valued in their weight nor those horrible broth cubes, are heavy twisted fringe. In my house, if it's soft and fluffy it gets a fringe! I love all kinds of fringe and tassels
and beaded fringe and ball fringe and brush fringe and loops and lip cords and of course gimp braids! I can spend hours inside M&J Trimmings, that's between 37th and 38th on 6th Avenue just looking, and touching and buying fringe. With all those rooms, full of buttons and beads and ribbons and fringe. Bullion fringe started as a trim on epaulets and they were made of fine gold and silver wire. Wait, that means if you use thicker wires you can make those twists all stiff and perky instead of limp like that. I have a new project!

Wait, is that a negative edge pool?

2006-07-19T07:25:00.000-07:00

I mean an infinity pool, my I sound like my contractor. It's a visual effect thing to make your pool seem like it extends all the way to forever. Of course you can't do this if your pool is beside a wall or you have nothing beyond to reflect but your neighbor's house. Hmmm, that reminds me of Venice during high tide. Where was I? Going back to infinity pools, and this is from my contractor, the secret is in the perfectly horizontal lip of the pool. They even use lasers to get the edge straight. Then the edge has to be lower than the water level. Don't worry about the water spilling because it is caught on the other side and pumped back into the pool. The edge disappears and so the water surface blends with the horizon or like here with the Aegean Sea. Believe me that's the Aegean, i've done two Greek Holidays! Isn't that very Japanese? I mean borrowing scenery from beyond your garden. In Ollioules, I use our neighbor's house, which looks like a barn if you squint your eyes, as a backdrop for my Faberge eggs arranged in a row on my windowsill.

Wait, is that a tank?

2006-07-18T22:57:00.000-07:00

Oh those french! It may look refined but it's inspired by something that can flatten almost anything in it's path, it was based on american tanks during the first world war. That man Louis-Francois Cartier, God bless his soul, and his grandsons made really nice stuff including those 27 tiaras for the coronation of the Prince of Wales in 1902. MY husband did give me a few Cartiers but my favorite is the Cartier Mystery Clock, I take it with me everywhere, even for long weekends at the Ritz. I love staying at the Ritz, being so close to the Cartier shop, you can pop in and out in no time for little trinkets. There's the ameicaine, the chinoise, and louis cartier but my favorite tank is the francaise. I wear the men's model when I do things in the garden ( my Tankissime is for tea or something) . Sometimes I just sit amid my rose bushes stroking the smooth manly links of my tank francaise. Which reminds me, I need to see the gardener.

Wait, is that a carrot stick?

2005-11-29T07:08:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking stews and cakes and all things yummy in the late summer! Carrots are tap roots meaning they grow into the soil and swell, up to six to twelve inches. Have you seen the movie Caligula? What an awful man that Gauis Caligula Caesar, although Malcolm was pretty nice. Where was I? Oh yes, carrots came from Afghanistan and got to the Greeks and Romans. The Romans believed that carrots made everyone you know, a lot like rabbits, going on all over the place trying to make little rabbits. You know what I mean. So that awful man who should be spanked by his mother, hmmm I think his mother did that and look where it got them, made everyone eat carrots so they would go on like rabbits. Poor carrots.

Wait, is that a good thing?

2005-11-29T06:46:00.000-08:00

Are those white socks doing double duty as floor polishers? I don't know if Martha would approve. OK you can throw them in the wash after you've done your spring cleaning but they will be so icky. I do bend the rules once in a while but I draw the line here!

Wait, is that Kevin Sorbo?

2005-09-18T18:17:00.000-07:00

Oh dear, I'm afraid it's him.

Wait, is that a teddy bear?

2005-09-18T13:37:00.000-07:00

How adorable! I'm getting weak in the knees. They say it started with Mr. Roosevelt, they say the Germans started them. But whoever made the first teddy bear was on to something, cuddly little things. Even if I can't stand the Care Bears, I can't resist the charm of cubs. I like the Steiff kind myself. Of course one must not confuse the toys with the real thing. Among the bears, the polar bear is the most carnivorous. You can't blame them, with all that ice and snow for miles and no produce section or a salad bar. Not enough plants you see. You say, as long as I don't carry steak with me on my next expedition I'm safe? But my dear we people must look like mobile shawarmas to polar bears! I mean, if you leave something yummy on the buffet table you can't blame the guests if they nibble a bit? Oh, one more thing about polar bears. I don't know if this is true but I heard from this gentleman that polar bear hair strands are hollow that's why they float. I was so impressed so I said to him "It's like swimming in my Bagely Mischka bugle bead gown." He gave me a blank stare.

Wait, is that a New Balance 675?

2005-09-17T07:35:00.000-07:00

675, 765, 567. I can't be bothered really. Trainers are just too informal. I will jog in my Todds. Now, why am I reminded of Canada? Strange. I've never been to Canada.

Wait, is that an obelisk?

2005-09-17T06:29:00.000-07:00

Proud, erect and beautifully proportioned! One of the most classic shapes in architecture! Ten times taller than the base, the Egyptians honored their pharoahs with obelisks. I saw a pair in Karnak that I really wanted to bring home. I haven't seen an obelisk I didn't want to take home. My favoirte is the Washington Monument! It's so big. I mean it's 500 feet, I think. I get giddy just thinking about it. Oh! I also love the memorial stones. I think the marble from New York is divine, it's so pretty. I made a cake once using that design. I got the leaves right but I don't think I got the figures. Whenever I look at Nebraska's memorial stone I'm so tempted to give it a bleaching. Ok, it's a bit old. As in it turned a century old when Diana and Charles had that nice wedding.

Wait, is that a vase-shaped splat?

2005-09-14T09:33:00.000-07:00

Definitely not Chippendale which is usually pierced. I bet the legs are fully developed cabrioles. I don't think it's an antique though, the original ones date back to the early 18th century. To find the real thing, you must examine the seat: drop-in or stuffed over, tenoned and glued rather than pegged (for earlier pieces), fuller legs, splats are less stiff, shoe piece typical. This is one style any queen, yes even anne, can be proud of.

Wait, is that damask?

2005-09-13T01:05:00.000-07:00

Very rich!It's like whipped butter. Just looking at it makes me bulge! But very tasteful. The soft sheen of the base and the matte pattern of the figures. The contrasting cord. Even the low-relief pattern of the wallpaper, as in like lincrusta and anaglypta, echoes the subtle opulence of damask. And everything in yummy restful tones. If I can only turn that thing over and run my fingers across the saurface. You see, damask is reversible, the matte and satin areas would reverse of course. After toile du jouy, I love damask. Remember dear, damask is not from Damascus it was first observed in Venetian looms, i think. It is not jacquard. It is definitely not chintz!!! Nor is it brocade.

Brocade is more robust, more earthy, more you-just-want-to-take-a-handful and give it a crumpling. Brocade means "to figure" with thread. The figures in brocade are loose while the figure threads in damask are actually bound in the material.

Wait, is that a wandering jew?

2005-09-11T23:24:00.000-07:00

These lovelies handle really well. Hang them. Snip them and stick them into water and voila! More wandering jews. They come in purple and white stripes. They come in deep purple too, but if they don't get enough sun the intensity of the color fades. The leaves are lovely to the touch, sort of turgid and waxy and smooth. Zebrina pendula. Pendula means to hang which is what I do with my wandering jews although it's also great as trailing ground cover. I think that's what they meant by wandering, it trails. The jew part I'm not sure. This is a great houseplant because it requires little care. When the basket seems light I just water it again. Yes. Feel the basket and know its needs.

Wait, is that rattan or wicker?

2005-09-11T18:53:00.000-07:00

Sigh. Summer is nearly over. Wicker is so summer and youth and lounging in the shade and splashing about.
So is that chair wicker or rattan? It could be both. Wicker is a process of weaving flexible twigs while rattan is one of the materials used in wicker work. Rattan comes from a species of palms from the genus Calamus, slender and flexible plants usually from the tropics. Unlike bamboo which is hollow, rattan has a solid core. The poles are split and the core is used for weaving. This chair is probably machine made and could be synthetic. Machines weave long sheets very much like fabric. Oh dear, I almost forgot to call the pool cleaner! Happiness!

Wait, is that a Tiffany lamp?

2005-09-11T04:51:00.000-07:00

The surface is too smooth. No noticeable raised lines to partition the glass parts. Most probably not stained glass. The shaft is pretty close to the real thing. But I don't think it's the real thing nor a good reproduction of LouisComfort Tiffany's lamps, yes he is related to that other Tiffany gentleman from the people who make silver and nice table ware -- Tiffany and Co.. Mr. Charles Lewis Tifanny started with other people but their names were later dropped. Do you think they're the same people referred to by Co.? I have a reproduction of the dragonfly motif. Fierce little predators, dragonflies. Yes they're pretty but as a water nymphs they hunt and eat other critters. As adults they still go around eating other critters. Wait, is that a weave pattern on the sofa. Strange but I also got a Tiffany Weave china set from my last trip to New york, nice bone china. Bone is always nice don't you think?

Wait, is that a wire hanger?

2005-09-10T22:31:00.000-07:00

We all know how that one went. "I buy you beautiful dresses, and you treat them like they were some dishrag. You do! Three hundred dollar dress on a wire hanger!" With extreme parenting came extreme hairdressing and extreme bush cutting. Lucille Fay Le Sueur, Joan Crawford's name at birth, was a bit extreme but I do agree with her. Wire hangers will ruin your best: silks, knits, and any clothes hang for long periods of time. I wonder what I can get for three hundred dollars these days? She could have at least sliced that bloody steak thin thin thin and called it carpaccio. Afterall it was invented by her contemporary in a bar somewhere in Venice, Italy. She was terrifying because she was terrified. Thank heavens we grew up with help!

Wait, is that a hemstitch?

2005-09-08T05:47:00.000-07:00

Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous! This makes me want to bury my head deep into those soft pluffy pillows. Regular, standard, queen -- size doesn't matter. As long as they are white cotton pillow cases and shams with hemstitching. Hemstitch is a decorative technique usually done along borders, made by drawing out several parallel threads and catching together the cross threads in uniform groups. Imagine white picket fences! Imagine a row of milk glass bottles on a mantle! Imagine a mile of white cotton gym socks hanging from a clotheslines! Hemstitch makes linens so polite even if the cotton falls below the 400 thread count. Speaking of cotton, isn't it weird that egyptian cotton is actually made in southwest united states? Percale as a word is persian but derived from the french? Pima is made in the united states but sounds peruvian? Or is that in Arizona? Whatever, as long as they are white as snow, soft as babies' cheeks and lightly starched. Yes, all our sheets are lightly starched to keep the corners perky of course.

Wait, is that a bottle of Dom?

2005-09-07T08:23:00.000-07:00

You bet, the grand daddy of them all. Cristal reminds me too much of Linda Evans. When I had my first Dom I was not really that impressed, maybe the oysters I had with it were a bit too slippery. I was turning green. Did I swallow. Sure. Did i see stars? I'm not sure. But wines, yes even champagne was called "wines of france" way way way back, do remember the soil and the season of their birth. Oh dear, bubblies do make me giddy and somewhat poetic. The Dom remembered some almonds and maybe some honey and maybe some apricots. I remembered paying with my Visa. Champagne bottles come in so many sizes, from a split which is smaller than a half to a Nebuchadnezzar which is 15 litters! I've never seen a bottle that big, but I have seen an 8-bottle Methuselah. Wasn't Methuselah that bible super-super senior citizen because he lived 969 years? My blood, imagine the cost of creams and botox. Which reminds me, I need a bit of maybe champagne or botox. I can't get things straight these days.

Wait, is that a fortune plant?

2005-09-07T03:58:00.000-07:00

That little thing can grow taller than a man given the right conditions. You may have to plant them outdoors, as in like not in a pot but in the ground. Kept in a pot indoors they will of course remain small. The good news though is even if you're a brown thumb these plants will thrive indoors. Bringing the outdoors in can bring life into any interior. Imagine instant beauty, oxygen, and feng shui! Yes, plants do help the chi go running round the house in easy swirly eddies. Which is a good thing. Ask you favorite garden store for the best indoor plants for your lifestyle and zone.

A FEW MORE TO KEEP YOUR INDOORS LIVELY

a. African Violets : Nice dark green hairy leaves. Surprisingly, comes in pink and white cultivars. Great flowering houseplants but I wouldn't place them too far from a sunny window. I know strange things can grow where the sun don't shine but green-leafed plants need at least some sun. b. Hyacinths : Poor thing, it's droopping. It requires a bit more sunlight than that gloomy windowsill. It should go out and see more of the world! One tip though, don't wet the leaves when you water or the sun will leave scorch marks. Oh! I remember, rats love to nibble on the bulbs watch out if you have rodent infestations. c. Cymbidium : Oh dear what can I say, I love those large dark leaves and smart looking flowers -- really great for weddings and mother's day. They like the sun but not too much. And no extremes please.

Wait, is that a can of Pledge Furniture Polish?

2005-09-06T23:54:00.000-07:00

Be still my beating heart! Oh dear! Pledge! One of my most favorite products from one of my most favorite companies on this planet -- SCJ. Pledge Furniture Polish contains a special blend of waxes and cleansing conditioners -- so it cleans as it polishes. Great stuff! Speaking of great stuff, from the same company that makes Pledge comes a bazillion of other great home care products: Shout, Windex, Mr. Muscle, Ziploc, Edge, Glade, Brise, Vanish, Raid, Off, Scrubbing Bubbles, Pronto, Drano, Saran, Toilet Duck!!!!!!!!! Samuel Curtis Johnson, bless his soul for starting that company back in 1886. I know I'm babbling but these products form my support system in the battle against mold, mildew and cosmic atrophy! Drano for unclogging the pipes is a miracle while Ziploc should have a permanent spot in the Modern.

It's like a housewife has died and gone to heaven, well maybe not heaven, maybe just Racine Wisconsin. Truly, a family company!

Wait, is that a mother-in-law's tongue?

2005-09-06T19:29:00.000-07:00

Sharp, sharp, sharp and thrives in most unwelcoming environments. Notice the clumps of erect variagated sharp leaves? These plants can grow almost anywhere and under so many lighting conditions. They are related to the cactus so the biggest problem is over watering, allow the soil to dry completely in between watering. Specially in winter, don't over water or the leaves will shrivel. Oh yes, they are called snake plants! These hardy plants look great in large beds along driveways. Some say they're toxic to house pets but I'm not sure and anyway I am not worried, all my pets are trained never to put anything long and sharp in their mouths.

Wait, is that a wedding bouquet?

2005-08-28T02:48:00.000-07:00

Oh! Lovely things and so practical too. Brides can hide a hanky or blotting paper under the bouquet for little touch ups. And they do steady nervous hands. And since they are usually held around the tummy they can hide a multitude of sins. It's really no surprise how practical bouquets are if you remember their origin, wedding guests would tear pieces off the bride's gown for a piece of good luck. The poor bride had to throw the bouquet in mid sprint just to distract enthusiastic guests! Poor bride. but imagine the fate of a bouquet thrown into a crowd of guests who had more than a few drinks.

Wait, is that safe?

2005-08-25T01:17:00.000-07:00

I don't know if that counter top is heat resistant or heat safe. It looks like Corian, or maybe Topstone, or maybe that's Avonite. Or maybe it's the more outdated formica. Nice surfaces but hardly ideal for ironing clothes. Anyway even if that's white granite it would still be a problem considering the shape. If you want to iron a pair of pants you will need an ironing board so you can stick the legs over the narrow end. Hmmmm. Maybe it's a pizza stone, a really large pizza stone.

Wait, is that a picnic?

2005-08-22T21:52:00.000-07:00

Oh dear, I oversimplify. I bet early humans ate out a lot but that was no picnic with all the predators lurking and no gingham blankets available. Up to this day, agriculture societies still include a proto-picnic in their daily routine but that's no picnic either. It was the French who branded it "pique-nique". Beats the rug out of me how that came to be or if it's really true, but the French did paint a lot of picnics if you care to check the works Monet, Manet, and Renoir. My favorite picnic painting is Manet's Luncheon on the Grass, that lady is so chic to have lunch naked with two fully dressed gentlemen! Very David Lynch! So what's a picnic really?A blanket outdoors and something to munch on? A french social scene? What you contribute to a community gathering? An easy thing? All of the above of course.

I am so wanting that Jack Spade Coal Bag in orange and a few meters of tartan from the MacGregor or Abercrombie (Not the one attached to Fitch)! I could be in any citypark and no one would know I'm having a picnic. I also want that mini bar, which reminds me. I need a bite and a sip.

Come Down Ms Cartland

2005-08-21T10:27:00.000-07:00

I was on my way to Saint-Ouen to meet Ms Cartland again. It was very confusing as usual. I was on line 1 which wasn't going anywhere where I wanted to go and a voice from a speaker was saying "Proxima estacion Tirso Molina" so it was getting more confusing. I have to get to line 13. Then I was in front of a statue of a bear in the middle of a plaza where my mother usually took me when I was much much younger. Suddenly I realized I was in Plaza del Sol! I didn't know how but I knew I was to turn back and cut through Plaza Mayor to get to the Rastro. A flea market is a flea market and Ms Cartland might be there. As I was crossing Plaza Mayor there was Ms Cartland on top of Philip's horse! I was shocked. I ran towards her but my legs were very heavy and I kept trying to get the words out "Get off the horse Ms. Cartland, you will fall and break your hip." Do I have to take care of her too if she breaks her hip? She just smiled and behind her was Harry Potter and his owl. I think I just imagined Harry since I just finished the Half Blood Prince. Would Harry take care of Lily if she broke her hip? I guess we'll never know since Voldemort killed Lily.

Oh dear, a nightmare again. I just dozed off for a few minutes. I wasn't feeling well, not because I will miss Saint-Ouen again for the fourth weekend but because of that horrible interiors I was looking at after breakfast.

Wait, is that a --?

2005-08-21T09:34:00.000-07:00

Yes, what on everything that's sacred to Martha Kostyra Stewart is happening here!? This is so wrong, this is not even Post Ugly nor Neo Tacky. None of the patterns match! I'm speechless! And, that blue towel should be slapped with a restraining order to stay within the confines of a bathroom. I think I'm going to lie down for a bit, I feel rather dizzy.

Wait, is that a club chair?

2005-08-20T12:02:00.000-07:00

I call them lobby chairs since I have sat on so many of them in so many lobbies. Deep seated, heavily padded, low back with ample rolled arms - except this one doesn't have very thick arms. They can be in any fabric but they look best in leather. I like smelling leather. I installed a pair of these club chairs in the study hoping my husband would stay-in most evenings since that's what gentlemen did in english clubs in the 19th century until I realized it wasn't the chair they wanted but to be away somewhere. I guess it's still the same up to now. Oh well, I still love these leather clad serviceable chairs, very Deco. Thank God! They shortened that name. Deco I mean. Imagine us saying "Love the chair, it's so exposition internationale des arts decoratifs et industriels modernes!" We'd never get anything done saying those words if we're time travelling to the 20's and 30's, everything was I think very Deco then. Oh! Madonna did Deco in that Rain video and that Open Your Heart video with a cat and a wet man! She also did cowboys and roccoco. I miss New York and the Chrysler building which is very Deco.

Please Not Chloe

2005-08-19T06:57:00.000-07:00

Yes that is Barbara Cartland and she is always in my dreams. Last night was a nightmare. It's usually harmless, Ms Cartland and I going to the flea market in Saint-Ouen on sunday mornings and we would buy some dog statues and when I turn to her she would sing bawdy french songs. I would say "Mrs McCorquodale! Stop that or I will take the staples off your scalp and you'd be washing your face from under your waist!" Then I'd wake up. That's usually that. But last night was horrible. I was lost somewhere near the Batignolles and at first I didn't know where I was, until I saw the street sign rue Caroline. Then I was a few meters on the other side of Place Clichy except Pigalle was two feet away. I was really really worried that I was going to miss the show of Phoebe Philo at the Louvre. Don't ask me how that is possible. This was a dream and I was lost somewhere where my husband lost his wallet to a bar keep in Pigalle. He was a student then and totally ignorant. Going back to the dream, the moment I wishedI was at the Louvre I suddenly found myself under the Carrousel. That's where the dream beacame a nightmare, Ms Cartland was a fifty foot woman sitting over the Louvre and she had dogs flying behind her. She was above the Sully side of the Museum and you know how creepy that sounds, Ms Cartland sitting on top of Delacroix's Dante and Virgil in Hell. Ok, this occured to me after I had the dream. But Ms Cartland with her dogs over the floor that holds a painting of hell is so like -- hellish. As in being friendly with Cerberus hellish! Anyway, this was very confusing because without being told I knew she married a cowboy and that she was in fact Phoebe Philo and that she was going to turn all of Chloe's collections into pink organza macaroons! All pink? And then i was inside my closet and all my clothes turned to pink organzas, they had big bows around the waist! Then I felt a hand ripping through my bodice! Hmmm. I don't think that actually happened in the dream, the ripping part I mean, maybe I read it in "Love, Lords and Lady-birds." Then when I looked up there was Stella MaCartney whispering "On oublie, on meurt." over and over and over again. Then I woke up. I remembered everything. I have something to tell my therapist again, but I will not tell him about the cowboy. Again.

Wait, is that a lapse in manners?

2005-08-18T06:26:00.000-07:00

Whoever set that table should be shot with popping corks from the cheapest bubbly in the house! I can't see the table clearly from where I am but I can tell you that there is only one glass per guest! There should at least be three glasses per guest above the forks, left to right would be the water goblet, the red wine glass, and then the white wine glass. Wait. Let me do an Agatha Christie. If the table is still being set then why are all the napkins crumpled? If the dinner is over then where did the other two sets of glasses go? If by a long stretch they didn't serve alcohol in this dinner, then why use the smallest glasses as water goblets? This is making my head go lazy spinning on a bed of daisies! Well, whatever they were thinking. Wait! One more thing, I would never leave that soup tureen on the table no matter how much it matches the candelabras. That's just me of course.

By the way that patch of toile with a "wheel barrow pattern" is a table napkin.

Wait, is that a pot of red geraniums?

2005-08-17T22:07:00.000-07:00

Yes. I am certain that's no pot of pansies. Geraniums are herbaceous plants, plants lacking in permanent woody stems. But what they lack in stiffness they more than make up in their reputation as watchdogs for witches huts, fly shooers and snake scarers. Geraniums are supposed to keep snakes away, at least that's what I hear they say around Maine. Oh dear, the thought of snakes poking round my garden is so unsettling!

Wait! Here's another gorgeous specimen in a ten-inch basket, great for hanging and scaring snakes just in case they come from your rafters, you know, if they're not sidewinders or milksnakes from New England. The third specimen is equally gorgeous of course.

Wait, is that a barcelona chair?

2005-08-17T06:14:00.000-07:00

I didn't realize they made them in mustard. We have three and they're all in black. Mr. van der Rohe, the gentleman who designed the chair is not from Barcelona, he just made them for the Barcelona Pavillion in 1929. Wait, didn't the Great Depression happen on that same year? It was a thursday in 1929 and tomorrow is thursday 2005. Isn't that like a Celestine prophecy thing? I wish can check the back of that chair so I can count how many straps there are. It has to be eight, our chairs have eight on each. Look, is that a echinocactus grusonii outside? A golden barrel cactus I mean. That echino name is the same as the greek for hedgehog which makes me smile but then again I'm sad because the barrel cactus is endangered of being overly collected from the wild. Hmmm. Maybe that's not a barcelona chair. Have you been to Barcelona at the height of summer? The poor statue people along the Ramblas were postively melting. Poor artists.

Not Polite To Stare

2005-08-17T05:11:00.000-07:00

Eventually you learn to look the other way. You start to ignore the people and instead you notice the throw pillows. The grain of the fabric is horizontal, perfectly parallel to catch the light. How perfectly ovate each grain of arborio rice is in your risotto. How comforting are the hours wasted waiting for your husband to arrive and eat the damn risotto. You learn from the best teachers, the other people who look the other way, instead of you. A lovely dinner for eight is sure to get praises but no one complimnets your hair. It's OK, it's convenient when the in-laws are around. You don't need to be married to be a housewife, you don't even t need a house, you simply have to understand sacrifice and duty. More importantly you need to learn to watch and pay attention to the other details in your life. Don't mind the people in the room specially if the only person in the room is you. Wait, is that a melodramatic thought? Time to hit the bottle, the bottle of bleach I mean.

Wait, is that a Portuguese commode?

2005-08-17T02:52:00.000-07:00

Look at that wood. Look at all that woodwork. Very Iberian peninsula. Do you know that you can stay in four different castles in Portugal for four nights for less than 500 euros for two?! Look at the legs on that commode, they're very macho cabriole. If I remember it right, a commode is like a low chest with doors or drawers. Wait, that sounds like a credenza. Whatever. I think I need a drink, an Aguardente would be lovely.

Wait, is that Chenille?

2005-08-17T02:16:00.000-07:00

Hmmm. It looks like chenille but the pile is not raised, as in, like in velvet, so maybe it's not chenille. Too bad, I do love chenille on almost anything! It's french even, in word origin I mean. Chenille is french for caterpillar. Lovely creatures, all hairy and wiggly with extra legs that they will lose when they become a moth or a butterfly. Isn't that nice, you get to eat a lot and then you go into a cocoon and then you come out all thin and winged and looking like an Oscar de la Renta finale! Even their scientific name is magical and exotic, Lepidoptera Larvae! This is getting me all excited. I think I will get new slip covers and throws, all in chenille! Of course.

Wait, is that Vogue?

2005-08-17T01:57:00.000-07:00

I believe that's an issue of Vogue Spain. Funny how things are in that part of the Vogue world. All these senoras from the cabinet posing for a fashion spread and now everyone is getting upset. I mean, isn't it a nice thing to be on Vogue. Even that alligator-mauled lady in Return to Eden,immediately after taking off her reconstructive surgery bandages went to this guy and said " I need an agent who can land me in the cover of Vogue in six months." Bless her soul.

2005-08-17T01:52:00.000-07:00

If you pay attention to what's inside then you wouldn't mind all that boring and extremely ordinary stuff sorrounding you. If you focus on the garnish you wouldn't have to face that god forsaken sandwich! It may look good, it may seem delicious, it may even be considered special by some but believe you me, if you have to eat it everyday, you'd put on your duster, strip the wallpaper, and slap the housemaid sideways till tuesday.